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Posts Tagged ‘age15’

Age: 15

jim-letter

Full text:

11/21/93

Dear Jim,

Nobody understands you. Nobody can even fully comprehend your mystique. Granted, I can see where some people couldn’t see the intelligence in anything that you did, but it wasn’t about smartness or there lack of, was it? It was about bringing everything to the furthest possible edge, to expand the realms, to bring reality to its knees. I wish I could be so brave. I want to experience the visions, the feelings of total power over the minutest of things, to take the most mundane things and make them extraordinary. But I think I’ve absorbed everything of the typical life, the normal society, a bit too much to ever be able to reach that depth of observation, of that knowledge. I can try, but all that will come of it would be one night of sheer entertainment with others, falling down and getting back up, laughing insanely then experiencing a total blow of reality after the trip that would make everything a bit more depressing than usual. I could never accomplish the actual mentality trip, be one with the mind, I don’t think my whole could take that. But I definitely could try. But is that what you really did? Did you find expansion of the mind, or was that just an overblown assumption all the writers have made of you, and now you’re laughing in your grave at the incredible stupidity and gullibility of all the ones who thought they understood, who thought they believed, but you know it was all an immense sham and a play for all the ones who wanted a show? Is that it? Has my pattern of thinking been that off? If so, I’ll give this to you: you’re one hell of an actor. But I don’t believe any of that to be true. I believe you really did have a purpose in taking the drugs, and you weren’t just a strung out junkie looking for a good time and enough money for just one more fix. I believe you felt total control and uncontrollability in the same instant, because you knew control didn’t really matter, didn’t even exist. I wish I could’ve known you, and it wouldn’t of have to have been on any kind of personal level either, just to take part with the millions of onlookers watching you evolve, watching you take flight, and then the descend. But since I didn’t, I like to think I can feel, if just in the slightest, of what I hear, what I read, what I see. I hope you wouldn’t strike me down for that hope.
Love always,
Kristy
age 15

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The Two Week Diary of 1994

Age: 15

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Age: 15 years old, now 18

by anon

April 10 2005

I don’t even like him.  He’s just a friend and kind of a jackass.  But he kissed me today and I let him.  I’m mad at myself for it because I know I shouldn’t have done it.  Only he has this god awful way of making you feel special.  I never had a real boyfriend, and I don’t want him but I guess its why I let him.  I kind of want to know what its like.  Still, what the hell was I thinking.

April 21 2005
Why am I still seeing this guy?  I guess I know.  I just want to have a little fun and no other guys ever look at me.

May 5 2005
He told me he loves me.  I know he’s lying, he only want to get in my pants and he thinks a line like that will help him.  I’m dumping him.

May 13 2005
I couldn’t do it, he looked so hurt and now I still can’t.  I’ve tried 3 times now.  But one doesn’t really count since I couldn’t work up the courage to actually say anything to him.

May 14 2005
He said it again.  He seemed so sincere even though I know he’s lying.

May 30 2005
He’s leaving soon for college.  I can’t wait.  This time when he told me he loved me I couldn’t think what to say or do.  I said it back.  I don’t know if he believed me.  I think he did, the jackass.  It seems wrong to lie like that.  I’m mad at myself again.

June 3 2005
Why do my parents like this idiot so much?  I wish I could see Halley again, and that she hadn’t moved away.  I could talk to her.

June 20 2005
6 more days.  Thank god.  I won’t even bother breaking up with him, I’m just gonna ride it out till he leaves.

June 21 2005
5 more days

June 22 2005
4 more days and I can’t wait.  Except that he keeps wanting to spend time with me, keeps saying he doesn’t want it to end and what about a long-distance relationship? How do I tell him no?

June 23 2005
3 more days.  I hate myself for letting it go on this long.  I’m a coward and he doesn’t even deserve the time I’ve spent with him.

June 24 2005
2 more days.  This entire relationship has been a lie.  I can’t wait until it’s over.  please god let him forget about me and help me to find a way to never think of him again.

June 25 2005
1 more day.  He leaves tomorrow.  I’m almost happy again.  I won’t see him tomorrow so tonight is the last time.  I made it without killing him.  Thats something.

That night
He said he wants to marry me someday.  What the hell is he thinking?  We’ve been going out for a couple of months.  I’m 16, he’s 18.  And an idiot.  I was trying so hard not to laugh.  I started crying to cover it up.  Well pretending to cry anyway.  I think he was dumb enough to buy it.  I still can’t believe there were tears in his eyes.  Find someone else you jackass, if anyone will ever look twice at you.

June 26 2005
Sweet freedom.  I threw out everything he ever gave me.  And the pictures.  And that damn necklace.

June 30 2005
I’m happy.

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