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Posts Tagged ‘evidence of existential crisis looming’

Age: 15

jim-letter

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11/21/93

Dear Jim,

Nobody understands you. Nobody can even fully comprehend your mystique. Granted, I can see where some people couldn’t see the intelligence in anything that you did, but it wasn’t about smartness or there lack of, was it? It was about bringing everything to the furthest possible edge, to expand the realms, to bring reality to its knees. I wish I could be so brave. I want to experience the visions, the feelings of total power over the minutest of things, to take the most mundane things and make them extraordinary. But I think I’ve absorbed everything of the typical life, the normal society, a bit too much to ever be able to reach that depth of observation, of that knowledge. I can try, but all that will come of it would be one night of sheer entertainment with others, falling down and getting back up, laughing insanely then experiencing a total blow of reality after the trip that would make everything a bit more depressing than usual. I could never accomplish the actual mentality trip, be one with the mind, I don’t think my whole could take that. But I definitely could try. But is that what you really did? Did you find expansion of the mind, or was that just an overblown assumption all the writers have made of you, and now you’re laughing in your grave at the incredible stupidity and gullibility of all the ones who thought they understood, who thought they believed, but you know it was all an immense sham and a play for all the ones who wanted a show? Is that it? Has my pattern of thinking been that off? If so, I’ll give this to you: you’re one hell of an actor. But I don’t believe any of that to be true. I believe you really did have a purpose in taking the drugs, and you weren’t just a strung out junkie looking for a good time and enough money for just one more fix. I believe you felt total control and uncontrollability in the same instant, because you knew control didn’t really matter, didn’t even exist. I wish I could’ve known you, and it wouldn’t of have to have been on any kind of personal level either, just to take part with the millions of onlookers watching you evolve, watching you take flight, and then the descend. But since I didn’t, I like to think I can feel, if just in the slightest, of what I hear, what I read, what I see. I hope you wouldn’t strike me down for that hope.
Love always,
Kristy
age 15

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